Is it me?

I just had a really powerful, heated, and venting conversation about friendships, trust and acceptance.

It started with me thinking about the fact that all my life, through all the stages where you develop important relationships, I never had a whole lot of friends. I had acquaintances and people I would hang out with, but when it came down to it those people wouldn't be there if I really needed them. I suppose I have always taken friendship really seriously and cherished the very few that I could trust with my life, unlike the many out there that assume everyone is your best friend and they only end up hurting you.

I look back to High school and I wonder why I didn't have more friends. Don't get me wrong, I got along with mostly everyone, but I had only a few very close friends. Then there were that group of girls who were always so high on themselves and no one else was good enough for them, or at least that was my perspective of it. I think back now, "why wasn't I good enough"? I personally believe I have (and had) a great personality so therefore I naturally wonder "was it because of my weight? Could these people be so cruel and so judgmental to not even give me the time of day because I was fat?" I cannot possibly think of any other reason why I haven't been able to develop and hold onto friendships more so than I have been able to. I have always felt like I've been on a different level than most from a maturity standpoint so maybe I push others away? Maybe I am the one that is too judgmental or walked around with a "too good" attitude without even noticing it?

I look at it like this.. I have a lot to offer and I believe that friendships are important and something to be cherished. They don't just come around every day and when that true friendship does develop, I have and will hold on to it tight because it is something very rare in this world today.