Uncertain and Need Input/Advice - Weight Watchers or Not?

As most of you are aware, I am a Weight Watchers member and I started Weight Watchers back in July of this year. The program is going good, but part of me can't help but question it sometimes. There are some definite positives and some definite negatives about WW and I am trying to weigh them out. Now before you even start to assume that maybe I am just looking for a way out of losing weight that is not the case. If you knew me last year or read anything about me previous to this you may know that I lost 50lbs last year by eating healthy and exercising. I counted calories and I busted my ass working out - calories in vs. calories out which in all reality is how things should be done healthily.

I have thought long and hard about going back to this way of eating. It seemed to work great for me and I didn't obsess or binge or let the little things get to me nearly as much as I have and am recently.

The one main reason I have joined weight watchers this year was because I wanted the support that weight watchers offers me, but to be completely honest it seems strange to be paying $55 per month to have a group of ladies that I don't really know, support me and also for me to step on a scale every month. Especially when late last week my doc emailed me and she told me about this program called "healthy you" near me. It is a free, government funded, program that focuses on eating habits and behaviours as well as fitness. It is a group meeting/program that lasts 12 months. You meet once or twice a week with a fitness component for the first few months, then after a while once every other week and then once every month. It is ran by fitness professionals and helps you work and deal with the mental component of weight loss and health. This all sounds amazing right? Well and it is also FREE!!!!!! yes! 100% FREE! So you see why I have a hard decision to make?

While we are on the free topic, although my hubby and I are doing alright financially, that $55 I pay per month for weight watchers is a little much and could be much better used elsewhere.

Ahhhhh I don't know! I would love others input and thoughts on this.

I know that the ONLY thing that hindered me from carrying on last year, aside from having some unfortunate events take place that threw me off and led to weight gain, was the lack of support, which is why I joined weight watchers. But with the Healthy You Program, which I must say again is FREEEEEEE, you have that support. I also have received a lot more help from my diabetes team and medical contacts and have their support more so moving forward. Help me! Obviously I am leaning more towards one option, but I would love others input. Thanks guys!

Food doesn't fix stress...

So I found myself getting very stressed out this afternoon, mainly about money, and I instantly thought about going to my kitchen and grabbing food and lots of it. First I stopped myself and said "how on earth is that going to make this any better?" and second I acknowledged the fact that that was my immediate response and decided to share it on here. I think that although I am an all emotions eater, stress is the one emotion I almost always tend to turn towards food and once again, lots of it! In all reality its a never ending cycle too because I get stressed out because of money, work, relationships, etc. And then I turn to food, which in turn just causes more stress because I gained weight, I ate all the food and therefore have to buy more, or I guilt trip myself and make myself feel like crap.

I need to end this cycle and recognizing this behavior is the first step.

First Gain...

So this week was my first gain since I started weight watchers back in July and in true Brooke fashion it was a go big or go home sorta gain. I gained over 6lbs this week. Now I knew I would have a slight gain due to not counting my calories, eating out seven times, meds that mess with my digestive system and I also didn't drink enough water. All of this is a recipe for disaster when it comes to the weight loss game. I didn't, however, think it would be THAT high of a gain, but needless to say it wasn't a huge shocker.

This week I know that I can and will lose a good majority of that weight that I gained if not more, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. Lately it has seemed harder than usual. My hunger is also higher it seems, but I know I can do this, just got to keep on counting :) wish me luck!

Down, deeper and deeper...

Lately I haven't really been feeling it. It being, well everything. It seems this week has been harder than normal for me to make healthy choices. Choosing the right snack. Pushing play on my fitness DVDs. Ordering the healthier option while eating out. Nothing has seemed easy and I know life isn't easy, but it usually isn't this hard either.

I had a great weekend away with my hubby this past weekend. It was our 4 year wedding anniversary last week and my parents gave us a hotel stay about 2 hours away. Josh had his police testing this weekend so they got us a hotel near the testing location, which was super awesome of them, but this also involved a LOT of eating out! Since last Wednesday we have ate out 7 times. Holy shit! SEVEN times! I must also admit that those 7 times I didn't chose the healthiest option, no wonder I am feeling like crap. Wow! Pizza, fries, chocolate, burgers and so on! This has got to stop!

I have my weigh in tomorrow night and of all nights that I chose to binge is tonight, the night before a weigh in. Come on! How stupid is that? My day was going well from an eating standpoint, until dinner hit, which wasn't a healthy dinner, but then I had one of those nights where you eat everything in sight. Omg just thinking about what I did tonight makes me sick. Ice cream, fruit roll up, popcorn (WITH BUTTER), cookies... I am a mess! I wouldn't be surprised if I have a gain tomorrow of 5 pounds! It will be a shocker if it is any less than that. Now I know this whole post has seemed very negative and I am sorry for that, but this is how I am feeling right now. Not to mention when I am down and already feeling like crap I tend to think of things that bring me more down. Things I may have said or done wrong in the past. Things I regret or I am not happy about, which bring me even further down and it is just a recipe for disaster. I must get some sleep before I think of more ways to bring/put myself down! Trust me, I know things aren't as bad as they seem right now. I know that I will lose whatever I gained this week next, but right now at this very second I am down and seriously want to cry. Just sharing - that's what this is all about right? Goodnight!

Alcohol is not your friend..

So... I rarely drink and i rarely drink to the point that I am drunk, but on Saturday I drank to that point. I had a great night though, but realized yesterday when I was sitting down waiting for my doctor appt. and trying to figure out the points value for my drinks I remember having on Saturday at least, that alcohol is not your friend when you are trying to lose weight. I'm not stupid, I knew all along that it isn't healthy for you in large quantities, nothing really is, but I didnt realize exactly how far past my points I drank. Mind you I was being stupid and didnt chose the healthiest option of drink. I know what matters most is that I had a great time at my cousins wedding and I have no regrets, except for not counting for my drinks in advance. And to be this foolish on a weekend after a week of holidays where I can admit I ate over my points pretty much daily. Silly Brooke! Well Sunday was a new day, but I slipped up there. Then Monday was a new day and I got my ass back on track. Counted, grocery shopped and even busted out an intense workout, which I also did today :) just goes to show you that you are never too far down the wrong path to turn around and start heading the right way again. Like they say, you never fail until you stop trying.

Tomorrow is weigh in and yes I am scared. I am assuming there will be a gain, but I am not certain how much or little of one. Only time will tell, but regardless I will lose it again next week or the week following that. I will not give up on me again!

Sidenote: this is my cousin and his beautiful bride on their wedding day :) love you guys!

Holidays...

This week I have been up at our family cottage. It is so quiet and peaceful up here, except for when the cottagers one over from us decide to have a go back to school party involving a bunch of 20ish year olds. But they are gone and all is peaceful again. I love it up here and I wish I could live here. The winters would suck that's for sure, but it would be worth it overall. To be honest we haven't really done a whole lot, which is awesome. It's a little chilly to do most of what we would normally do. Right now though, as I sit at the lake writing my blog I am feeling the warmth of the morning sun, knowing that today will be a warmer day than most. Hopefully we can get to those activities that mainly involve swimming today then.

I wanted to apologize for not being very active on here, YouTube or twitter, but with me holidays I wanted to relax and enjoy it 100%.

When I comes to eating I have been counting(ish) my points, but I have been over. I'm ok with it, but still feel slightly guilty. I'll work it off again when I get back though! I do notice that when one thing slacks so do the others. Healthy eating goes, so does water intake and so on. Got to keep at it regardless of where I am in life, part of the lifestyle change right?

Columbiana...

Just watched Columbiana tonight. I love those revenge flicks and then what made this movie even better was that it was revenge given by a hot chick. What more could you want? Now I must say that it isn't exactly the best revenge movie I have ever seen and it doesn't even compare to it's brother "Taken", which was #1 in my books, it was still very entertaining. The fight scenes, although unnecessarily sped up, were kick ass. I would recommend this movie for sure, but not a must see in theaters flick.

Busy Freakin' Week...

I want to apologize to those that do read that I havent written much this week and to be honest I probably wont going forward. This week is INSANE! I am going up to my cottage on the weekend and will be able to concentrate more on writing throughout my stay there.

My last baseball game was last night. Work is insane. So much going on! Not to mention I volunteered to do a newsletter for my church this week and it needs to be in for print by Friday and I havent even started! AH! Ill be back with more frequent blogs soon guys, promise!

Weigh in tonight - wish me luck!

Cottage Life...

Sitting here with an amazing view, wishing I could stay here forever...


Oh the cottage life, there is nothing like it. Nothing more beautiful, nothing more relaxing. But part of me cannot help to think about the fact that the summer is coming to an end and then of course fall begins, which isn't so bad itself. The part I seem to dread more and more every year is winter. When I was younger I didn't seem to mind it so much, but as I get older, with more responsibilities, my dislike for it increases significantly.

I am trying my best to soak it all in and enjoy this lovely experience while it's here. I must remember that it will be back next year for me to enjoy once again with my loved ones.

Location:Tobermory, Ontario

Making Fitness A Priority...

I am very proud of myself. A very rare thing happened this morning. I set my alarm an hour earlier than I normally get up because I knew I had a lot to do this morning. My mother in law and step-father in law were meeting us at our house and then we were all going to travel up to my parent's cottage for the weekend. I knew that I had some work to do and a conference call around 8 am, not to mention packing, cleaning, laundry and all the normal stuff I do in the mornings. But then I thought where am I going to fit in my Friday workout? I woke up another hour prior to when my alarm was supposed to be going off and I thought to myself "I could get another hour of sleep, OR I could get up now and have a little more time to do stuff and not feel so rushed."

That's right I got up two hours earlier than I normally would and worked my little butt off < (one part of me that actually isn't all that large haha) I did the TJ Fat Blaster again, which is a very intense 30 min interval workout and I gurantee buckets of sweat when you are done! AMAZING!

I never in a million years would be the one to put fitness first. Even last year when I was all over working out and I did make it a priority, I never put it first. I started my day off well and guranteed it is going to be a LOT less stressful of a morning now that I have. I feel great!

Is it in my head...

Something I find totally weird is that I look in the mirror and I see a much smaller person than I used to see only a month ago. Don't get me wrong, I have my "fat days", but dont we all? You may ask why I find this weird? Well I am a larger woman with a lot of weight to lose, in fact my goal is 120lbs. I am only slightly into my journey and have lost about 21lbs now. I am sure 21lbs still shows even on someone as large as myself, but it isnt AS noticeable on someone that is smaller to begin with, obviously. I also dont rely 100% on the scale. I measure myself too and I have lost some inches, but not a substantial amount. I must add that this is NOT be being hard on myself, this is me trying to make a point. I am very happy and proud with my progress thus far. Anywho, I look in the mirror and I feel like I have lost nearly 50lbs, I feel better, I look better, mind you I still have a huge tummy on me, but it even looks smaller, but the person I look at in the mirror does not match the progress on the scale and measuring tape. So then one would say "how are your clothes fitting?" and to answer that, they are fitting better than a month ago, BUT they are not matching up to the person I see in the mirror either.

This is completely different from how I used to look at myself in the mirror. I would avoid it all the time, which I still do when I am naked ;) But I find myself checking my body out more and more frequently now. Even when I was at this weight last year I wouldnt be seen looking in the mirror/window at my body with a smile or grin on myself. It just wouldnt happen.

What do you think has made the difference this time? Is it because my mind and heart are in a different place now than they have ever been? That's got to be it, right? Because that is the only thing that has changed significantly. I would love some thoughts and feedback on this. Anyone else find themselves in a situation like this or am I the only weirdo? ;)

Self Help...

Thinking tonight about books and the type of book I have either tried to or succeeded in finishing made me wonder why I always turn to the same type of book. I realized tonight that I go for all these self help books, books that promise me something other than a good read or a good ol' read. I always find myself grabbing for the book that will make me thin; the book that will make me healthy; the book that will help me spiritually; but in all honesty a simple book is NOT going to help me with that. It won't make me better. I do understand that these books have great information within them and they may be a good read for some, but simply not for me... Not anymore! I am going to stay true to the books that I have enjoyed in the past and although they may be frowned upon, or I may be laughed at, I am ok with that because I enjoy them and that is ALL that matters. Love stories, vampires, war stories, here I come!

Big Wreck and Godsmack All In One Weekend...

This weekend I went to the Cornfest in Jarvis, Ontario. It is a festival that has everything from vendors selling crafts to rides and live bands. I had a great time there on Friday walking around and looking at all the different booths, but Saturday was when the real fun began. Big Wreck (Thornley) played there on Saturday night and I believe this was my 5th or 6th time seeing them live. They put on a kick ass show and Saturday wasn't any different.

On Sunday night the hubby and I had tickets to see Godsmack in Hamilton, Ontario with a bunch of friends. It too was a great show, but I think I am getting too old for the hardcore rock shows. I know, I am only 26, but damn it is getting hard to continue going to these shows. It is true, there is nothing like that feeling you get when a band you enjoy gets up on stage, the music louder than expect, the crowd for wild. It is an amazing feeling, but at the same time I am finding more and more other people like to ruin it for you. You get those ignorant douche bags that decide to drink way too much and somehow bring you down by spilling something on you, kicking you, shoving you, spitting on you, whatever it may be. I am just way too old for that shit! Now don't get me wrong, if a band comes to town who I thoroughly enjoy and just so happen to have not seen live, the chances are I will be going. Bands like Aerosmith that I have been dieing to see, but haven't had the chance - I will be there. But if I have already seen a band I am not certain I will be attending anymore. Overall Godsmack was a great experience and of course a rockin' show.

Is it me?

I just had a really powerful, heated, and venting conversation about friendships, trust and acceptance.

It started with me thinking about the fact that all my life, through all the stages where you develop important relationships, I never had a whole lot of friends. I had acquaintances and people I would hang out with, but when it came down to it those people wouldn't be there if I really needed them. I suppose I have always taken friendship really seriously and cherished the very few that I could trust with my life, unlike the many out there that assume everyone is your best friend and they only end up hurting you.

I look back to High school and I wonder why I didn't have more friends. Don't get me wrong, I got along with mostly everyone, but I had only a few very close friends. Then there were that group of girls who were always so high on themselves and no one else was good enough for them, or at least that was my perspective of it. I think back now, "why wasn't I good enough"? I personally believe I have (and had) a great personality so therefore I naturally wonder "was it because of my weight? Could these people be so cruel and so judgmental to not even give me the time of day because I was fat?" I cannot possibly think of any other reason why I haven't been able to develop and hold onto friendships more so than I have been able to. I have always felt like I've been on a different level than most from a maturity standpoint so maybe I push others away? Maybe I am the one that is too judgmental or walked around with a "too good" attitude without even noticing it?

I look at it like this.. I have a lot to offer and I believe that friendships are important and something to be cherished. They don't just come around every day and when that true friendship does develop, I have and will hold on to it tight because it is something very rare in this world today.

Turbo Jam Day #3 Complete... Weight Watchers Weigh in Results

I literally just finished Day #3 on my Get My Ass Moving Plan and I feel GREAT! Sweaty, very very sweaty, but great! I miss this feeling that I used to get after working out and busting out a sweat. AMAZING!

Last night I weighed in at Weight Watchers and I lost .4 of a pound. Notice I did not say "I ONLY lost .4"? That is something that has been really hard for me to overcome. I am far too hard on myself and a loss is a loss regardless of how much of a loss it is. Yes, it is more frustrating when you have a lower loss, especially when you are now working out, you are eating within your points, but there are some foods I could have done without. All I need to remember is to never give up. I am ready to finally finish something. I am ready to finally truly succeed and as long as I keep at it I will get there. If I would have just kept at it all those others times I would have already been there.

One week is not going to define my success. One month is not going to define my success. As long as I stay strong and in it for the long haul, then I will succeed and finally do what I have been trying to do for almost 20 years: Lose this weight and be truly happy and healthy.

"Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism."

Get My Ass Moving Plan...

Yesterday I set up a plan called the "Get My Ass Moving Plan". I wanted something that would, well - GET MY ASS MOVING. This is what the next few weeks look like.

The plan is using my Turbo Jam DVDs to gradually get me back into fitness again. Turbo Jam is an amazing workout by Chalene Johnson and Beachbody, which I purchased 5-6 years ago now. I have been doing TJ on and off since I purchased it. The first month I did TJ back when I bought it, I didnt change my eating and in the first month I lost something like 11 pounds. I since have purchased different workouts and havent even had the chance to try them all yet.

Day #1 - I completed this yesterday and afterwards I felt great, but sore and VERY tired. Afterwards I realized how much I missed that feeling. The feeling of the sweat pouring down your face. That feeling you get in your chest and lungs when you really push it. It was like a drug to me. Check out my Day #1 YouTube video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7vogPYqgxw

Day #2- Success! I finished this workout this morning. TJ 20 min. My muscles are aching from the TJ yesterday and my baseball game last night, but I worked through that and once again felt amazing. I even noticed an improvement in my breathing and movements from yesterday. Its crazy how fast your body can start to change! - Check out my Day #2 YouTube video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE4oBvNryJQ

For the next couple week I plan on sticking to the original workouts and then moving up to the other DVDs after our holidays in September. I am looking forward to the changes this will make on the scale and my ass!

Now get out there and get your ass moving too!

Opinions are like assholes...

Do you ever get really frustrated with those people in your life that chose to always have an opinion? I think that with certain people it bothers me more than others because it is a constant, but also because I have a hard time admitting I am wrong unless I am proved to be wrong. Until that point that you prove me wrong I will not back down. At the same time I have no problem backing down at that point and saying "I was wrong, you are right." I understand that everyone has and is entitled to an opinion. I also believe that if you don't live by your own advice, or whatever it may be that you preach onto others, than why do you have the right to do just that, preach. Everyone is guilty of this at some point in their lives, but there are some people in my life in particular that are over the top and it makes it extremely hard to listen to anything they have to say. Being knowledgable is one thing, but being a know-it-all is very unbecoming.

What To Expect...

This is all so sudden and honestly I have no idea where to start or even where I want/need to go with this. All I know is that I plan on sharing my life with you all right here on this page. I have so much to write about that I need an outlet such as this and although good ol' fashion pen to paper is always a safe bet there are some down sides to that too. For example and most importantly - It hurts my hand... I get merely 3 sentences in and an excruciating cramp like pain begins. I think I have been out of school for too long and rely way too much on a keyboard. Also, I chose to not update it enough and therefore what is the point. Hopefully with having a blog that I share with the world I will at least then be slightly more accountable and have some people bugging me to update when it has been a week or five. 


I can't tell you what to expect from this blog just yet, especially considering I am uncertain what to expect myself. But I will be talking about Redefining Me... well I would hope you already realized that - the blog's title is "Redefining Brooke" < That’s me! I have grown a lot in the last year and I am not talking about just around my waistline either. I have changed a lot in the way I think, feel, live, love, learn etc., but this is only the beginning in the long path to Redefining Brooke.